It tends to surprise most people but actually – and I’m only saying this because I’ve been told, not because I have a sky-high ego – I’m not a bad cook.
This isn’t the result of any form of training or any skill that’s been passed down from generation to generation in my family and it’s definitely not as a result of me spending years trying to perfect the art. No, I have a tried and tested technique that pretty much never fails. It goes something like this:
- Always follow the recipe exactly.
- Never deviate from the recipe.
- Stick to the simple stuff John, you’re not a chef and you never will be.
I don’t cook that often (my good lady does most of that since I’m too lazy) but when I do I try to do a decent job of it. For example, we had some friends round on Saturday night and this was the menu:
Starter
Seared scallops with black pudding served with
sweet red onion sauce and pestoMain Course
My mother’s classic prawn pathia served with
long grain and wild riceDessert
Home made apple crumble (made by my good
lady who didn’t want to feel left out)Followed by coffee from El Salvador (mmmm, nice)
Our guests agreed that the whole meal was delicious. I was genuinely thrilled to see everyone clear their plates and go on about how delicious it was. But frankly I don’t take any credit for things like that – it’s the person who wrote the recipe that did the work, I just followed it to the letter and didn’t get imaginative. If the recipe demands 100g of dessicated coconut, that’s exactly what I’ll add. If it says to sear the scallops for a minute or so until it’s golden on each side, that’s exactly what I’ll do. Any time that I deviate from a recipe with thoughts like “I’m sure another dash of cinnamon will make it better” or “ach, that’s way too much sugar, I’m not putting all that in there” or “yeah, this meringue’s fluffy enough – I don’t need to do all that whisking” then I’m always proven to have been wrong.
While my friend Stuart was beating me at squash for the umpteenth time a few years ago he told me the key was to “play the percentages”. I never did learn to do that with squash but with cooking that’s exactly what I do. Pick something pretty simple, follow the recipe, don’t get creative and while I’ll never create a masterpiece, I can knock a pretty decent meal together. So when I hear people say that they can’t cook – I know they’re just not trying hard enough and they’re not doing what the recipe says. If I can cook then anybody can!
Did I really say “play the percentages”? How perceptive of me: if only I followed my own rules. Last night I cooked a curry for everyone not playing the percentages “a bit more paprika won’t hurt” etc. Result: Wife and child up all night being sick.
And playing the percentages only applies to sporting activities – don’t try to get clever with the trick shots.
It’s not a recipe for life…that would be way too boring.
Ouchy! Still, I’m sure you won’t be make to cook too often as a result! 😉
No, I wouldn’t recommend playing the percentages in life in general, but for squash and cooking it’s a method that seems to work!
So when are you inviting us all round for tea? ;o)
Ha ha, I’m not sure you’d all fit in my house!
Just get me a doggy bag ready with your good lady’s apple crumble in it then. I love puddings :o)
You didn’t mention what part FogBugz plays in your cookery process… 😉
I’m with you on this one John. People who have sampled my cooking often say it’s great, and like you I follow the recipe to the letter.
I have found that if you do this enough, over time you get a better understanding of what works, how things go together etc and can experiment a little bit.
A lot of folk are so used to the taste of prepackaged rubbish that they forget how good ‘real’ food is. However, I’ll never enjoy my Mum’s boiled spuds!
I’ve just said folk… I’ve been back in Yorkshire too long…
Ah, I’m glad I’m not alone! I guess I’m not at the stage yet of actually knowing what I’m doing – maybe I’ll have to do more cooking at home. (I hope my good lady’s not reading this…).
Heh heh, you can take the man out of Yorkshire but you can’t take the Yorkshire out of the man! 😉