My mother died just over 5 years ago from cancer and not a day goes by that I don’t miss her. I thought it was about time I wrote about how losing her has changed the way I see the world, has changed me and what it’s been like trying to get my head around it all.
It’s true what they say, you can never really understand what it’s like until it happens to you. I once described losing my mother as like the sky suddenly falling down. My mother carried me for 9 months, gave birth to me, was the first sight I ever set my eyes upon, fed me when I was hungry, got no sleep for months when I woke her up crying at night, changed my nappies, watched me smile when I recognised her face, start to crawl, take my first steps, say my first word. She was always there for me, every memory I’ve ever had growing up has her in it. When I was upset she was there to cheer me up. When I needed advice it was her I sought out. And when I stepped out of line it was her who put me back in step. She was a strong, loving mother who I always knew was on my side, would do anything for me and my brother and gave us the perfect upbringing that made us the men we are today. I’d known her as my mother and as I became an adult I knew her as the woman Jean Conners with a devilish sense of humour and a certain innocence about her. She was the most wonderful person I’ve ever known. She had always been a huge part of my life and now that she’s gone I realise that I’d always assumed she would be.
You never expect the sky to fall down, the sky is always there and always will be. And that’s exactly how I felt about my mother.
When my father phoned me early one morning to tell me my mother was dying the first words I said to him were “you’re joking”. Obviously he wouldn’t, but my instinct was that it couldn’t be happening. Him phoning me again later (I can’t remember if I’d left to drive home or was just about to leave) to tell me she had died just didn’t seem real – I was numb. I arrived home before my brother (who’d been staying with me that weekend and was driving himself to my dad’s) and stepped into the hall. My dad came over to me and something I didn’t expect then happened. All my life my dad had been the one to comfort me in times of sadness but this time he was the one holding onto me and I was the one comforting him. It’s times like that you realise when you’ve grown up and become an adult. We were both inconsolable and if you ever find yourself imagining what a situation like that is like, imagine it a million times worse. And then when my brother turned up, well think a British billion times worse (that’s a million million). Even then, I still just couldn’t believe it.
In the months after her death I just couldn’t grasp that she was gone. I’d walk past an arts and craft shop and my first thought would be to take her there the next time she was down. I’d see something on TV that I knew she’d be interested in and I’d go to pick up the phone and call her before reality hit me. It was as though my brain just wouldn’t accept that she was gone forever.
Whenever I’d visit my father’s house I’d come down in the morning before anyone else was up and watch TV in the lounge like I always did. I’d be sitting there waiting for her to come in and sit next to me like she always did (we were early risers). I cried far more while she was suffering with cancer than after she died but on mornings like that I could never hold back the tears, sat there sobbing on my own waiting for someone that was supposed to always be there who I started to realise never would be again.
After some time – I couldn’t tell you how much – my brain dealt with things in a different way. I seemed to accept that she was gone and didn’t find myself about to call her any more. Instead she kept turning up in my dreams. Sometimes the dreams would be set in my childhood and it was only when I woke up that I’d feel sad, knowing I’d seen her again, or feel happy because it felt like I’d spent some more fleeting moments with her. More upsetting were the dreams where I knew she was dead in the real world, and in the dream she did too and I was just talking to her telling her how I missed her. Waking up would just take me away from her. If I were a spiritual person I’d feel comforted that maybe she was reaching out to me from beyond the grave, but unfortunately I know better and it’s my mind coming to terms with her death showing me what it thinks I want to see – or something like that. Odder were the ones where in the dream I saw her and was really upset knowing that when I woke up she’d be gone. I’d wake up with tears on my pillow but had left the sadness in the dream and didn’t feel upset at all.
The dreams started to fade away (although they do come back from time to time) and I found that my mind seemed to understand that she was gone. It was as though in the preceding years (and it took that long) my brain had been drip-feeding me little bits at a time rather than trying to get my head around the concept that my mother was gone all at once. It’s a good job I didn’t take it all in at once – because it’s such an utterly terrible thing to have to get used to and live with. I feel so bad for friends who lose parents because I know that it actually never gets any easier with time – you have to carry the pain and burden for the rest of your life. The only thing that changes is that you learn to live with it in your own way.
As I said at the start, not a day goes by that I don’t miss her. I still get upset from time to time but my mother was exactly the same decades after the death of her mother. She never hid the tears from us and as a result we were brought up knowing that it was perfectly normal to miss someone you loved and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
She wrote me a letter when she knew she wouldn’t make it and in it she told me she’s always admired my positive outlook on life and to make the most of life as it’s so precious. Every day that goes by that’s exactly what I try to do.
Jen,
You were so right when you said that your Mom fixed everything and you cannot imagine her not fixing this. Me and My sisters said the same thing, if it was one of my sisters that had passed (not that I would want that to happen) but if it were the other way around Our Mom would have known how to get us through this. I do not know how to get through this, in 2 days it will be 2 months since My Mom passed away. I have taken over her vehicle, we are continuing her business and me and my husband are moving back into the family home (my mom’s home) and will be sleeping in the room that she once had. Just getting into her car that 1st time was hard, I still have not picked up the shells from the peanuts she had on the floor (I do not want to change a thing). My heart is breaking more and more everyday and I still cannot accept that she is gone. I am scared of myself and how I will react when I finally accept this. My sisters and some other family members have seen My Mom in their dreams but I know it is not a dream I know she really came to them to let them know she is ok and that they would be ok. All their dreams were the same it was My Mom looking beautiful as always not saying a word just had a beautiful smile on her face and looked at my sisters and ran her fingers through their hair like we all used to do to her. Why has she not come to see me, is she mad at me? My neice who is now 4 has seen My Mom twice once right after she passed away we were sitting in my Mom’s club cleaning and my neice said, “Cheryl, Lola (which means grandma) is standing in the door”. I turned around and of course I could not see her but I just had a feeling she was there. Then the next time I was laying in my bed and my neice was there with me watching a movie, I was crying and praying that My Mom come to me because I could no longer feel her around me. The next day I went to my sisters house after I had a complete breakdown at the cemetary and she told me that Jasmine saw Lola again last night in your room. So I asked my neice did you have a dream about Lola last night and she said, ” No, she was in your room talking to you when you were crying”. I asked her what did Lola tell me? and she( my neice) whispered in my ear, ” I Love you Cheryl”. So My Mom was there she heard my prayers of needing her because I do not feel her around me and she told me that she loves me. But why can’t I see her face of why is she not coming to me running her fingers through my hair? I miss her so much and I just am so afraid I cannot handle this pain much longer. I do not know what to do anymore, I need my Mother back!!!
Tomorrow will be 4 months since my mom died. I wish I could express my feelings in a meaningful way…..i am not so good at writing. I simply miss her. The pain of not having her in my life is unbearable. I honestly don’t know how to go on. Nothing is the same. My mom was 70 when she died. I am 41. Its seems that since she died, My spirit has died. I try to be strong and act like I am okay, but I’m not. I have no joy in my life……I feel as if I am alone now, cut off from the rest of world…..I know I have to keep going on for my kids but it is so hard. I love my mom so much….she was truly my best friend and I simply miss her. She was always here for me, she loved me for me. No matter what……i guess i just want to say—-I miss u mom, I love you and I wish u were still here…….I am trying so hard to go on……..but its not the same…….and as the tears flow from my eyes and my heart is breaking in two I know that my life will never be the same again. And that is the problem…I don’t know how to go on in the world without the one person who helped me thru everything…..who was my biggest supporter. I just don’t know how to deal with this pain that is neverending.
Cheryl and Tami,
I am sitting here crying after reading what you both wrote. I feel the same as both of you, I am still in such disbelief and I just want her back. I was driving home from work today and was so upset, I kept thinking how could this happen? How could my mom be perfectly normal and healthy, just a normal day and within minutes be gone! I had absolutely no time to prepare and she was still just a young 60. My thoughts drive me so crazy, the other day my kids faces popped in my mind thinking back on finding out my mom passed and when I found out, I literllay lost all control and we were in the car driving and I remember turning and seeing their faces tears just steadily streaking down there face and not knowing how to help them. Thank you again and again John for starting this site, because hearing everyone’s stories helps so much to know that I am not alone. I don’t feel like anyone in my life really understands the pain I feel, they still expect me to be the same bubbly, happy go-lucky friend, or the same wife who can get through anything, or the same mom who does everything and I am falling apart on the inside. I am 35 years old, but with my mom I still felt like a kid, I feel like I took her for granted that she would be here forever and I never got the chance to tell her really how much I loved her and how much she really, really meant to me. I told her I loved her all the time when we would end our call or when I would see her, but if I knew that day was going to be the last time I would have talked to her there is so much I would have wanted to thank her for and I would have held her up to the great person that she really was, she was my brother and I’s protector and savior over and over again in our lives, any great moment and bad moment I had, my mom was a part of it and she made it complete! Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and opening up, this seems to be the only avenue where I feel like I can really open up and feel understood, that to me has meant so much. God Bless all of you for sharing and relating to a time in our lives that is so unbearable.
I just wanted to thank all of you for sharing your thoughts. I know my sisters are going through the same thing I am but in all honesty I cannot express alot of the feelings I have to them. One other thing about My Mom is she was such a beautiful singer, Ohhh My Gosh her voice gave people goose bumps and she loved to sing. I know she is now singing to God and to all of your mothers now. A good friend of my Mother’s made a You Tube tribute to my Mom and he also found two songs that were recorded awhile back of her singing. Please look at the you tube site and listen to her two songs and look at all her pics. One of her songs is in Filipino and she is singing with another one of her bestfriends. Thank you all and God Bless. When you go to You Tube put in Jeanette Our Memories.
Hi Jen and Venita,
Thanks for your message Vanita, I cried when I read your story. I guess the reason why the hurt is so bad is because we loved and were loved so much. It doesn’t make it any easier but we can at least
know what a special relationship we had with our moms.
Jen, I can relate to losing your mom suddenly and at a young age. My mom was just 55 (I am 28). As you have read from my story above, from the time my moms brain aneursym ruptured to her being dead was 10 days. I feel so robbed of the many years we could’ve had together. In fact, I went to speak to the neurosurgeon just this morning because I can’t get my head round the fact they couldn’t have saved her. He said there was nothing they could’ve done, my mom’s case was one of the worst he seen despite her being her normal self (apart from a severe headache) just days before! I completely understand how you feel about no-one understanding your pain – my brother and father just don’t seem to be suffering like I do – they don’t want to talk about it when all I want to do is keep talking about it until my pain stops! Jen don’t feel bad, your mom knew how much you loved her. I felt the same way, I should’ve said this or that, but you told her regularly that you loved her and you were there for her as a friend, so she knew. I was so happy when my mom told a nurse in ICU that if she ever had a daughter to have one like me. My mom knew how much I loved her, I was always the one there for her and was the last one to see her before she died. And she wouldn’t have expected anything else from me.
Thank you so much for this website, it helps to know that I’m not the only one out here who is in so much pain. I hope from sharing my story and reading others that I can try and come to terms with my loss. x
I don’t think we will ever quit missing them. I just can’t seem to find my place back in the world now. Everything else is going on as normal and really all I want to do is sleep through this but I know I can’t, I have 3 children that need me. It hurts me so much to see them hurt.
I know how you feel Vanita. I could happily just close my eyes and sleep – it’s the only time when I can stop thinking about it, every second of the day I’m thinking about how unfair it all is! I’m constantly in tears during the day and can’t seem to get away from this black cloud hanging over my head. If it wasn’t for my son I truly don’t think I would get out of bed, but he needs me and I know my mom would want me to take good care of him. It’s just so difficult, seeing him only reminds me of how much joy he brought to my moms last 6 months and how that has been now been cut short. I think the only thing we can do is be / continue to be the best moms ourselves in honour of our moms’ memory. I know my mom would’ve wanted that.
Hi Lucille,
How are you doing?
Hi Everyone, this past week has been so horrible. I am fully moved into my Mom’s house now and since I have been there I have started to allow myself to accept that she is gone a little more. It is driving me completely crazy when the reality hits I cannot breathe and so many thoughts that I know I should not have start going through my head. So, I have to slip back into the denial of things because it makes it easier to go on. I start convincing myself that nothing has happened, she is not gone, she is on vacation or something. I just do not know what to do anymore I am scared. Please any words of courage or anything would help at this point.
Cheryl: Well I’d recommend re-reading my article above – that’s exactly what I was talking about – that you feel like you can’t cope with it, that you’ll never get past it, but you can with time and the support of the people around you. But as I said, it takes many years to fully come to terms with the loss, there’s no quick fix other than slowly going through the process. Find someone you can open up to and talk about in the real world – I was lucky to have my wife who could understand the loss – and remember that you’re not alone and it’s completely normal to feel that way you do. I remember feeling very much the way you do and I promise you it gets better in time. You carry the loss with you for the rest of your life (my mother certainly did about the death of her mother) but you learn to live with it and make the most of the life you have.
Cheryl,
I agree totally with John. I lost my father 12 years ago and my mother 5 weeks ago. It just takes time and don’t beat yourself up for feeling the way you are feeling.
Vanita and John,
I am trying so hard not to feel this way. I too already lost my father to suicide at the age of 12 he and I were also very close. My Mom was my rock and she always made me feel so good about myself and about all the decisions I made in my life. I just feel like my entire family is falling apart now, I am starting to see alot of selfishness and greed in the family and I hate it. People are now becoming more judgemental and our family was never like this before. My Mom was the centerpiece in this family and now that she is gone I feel that everyones true colors are beginning to show. So lately I have been avoiding people that I care about so much and I know care about me but sometimes being around them makes me sad or angry so I would rather not be around then say something to hurt someone. I just feel so alone right now. I cannot talk to my husband about any of this because he cannot understand what I am going through at all. He has his Mom and Dad. I just do not know what to do anymore.
Cheryl,
There is so much I want to tell you. If your husband is going to work today and you will be alone please e-mail your phone number and let me know what time I can call you. My e-mail is vthrelkel [at] yahoo [dot] com
Cheryl,
Please feel free to email me too if you need jenayfr16 [at] yahoo [dot] com. I understand how you feel, I am still feeling so lonley too and when you said you couldn’t talk to your husband, I feel the same way. My husband did lose his mother to suicide 10 years ago and it was such a devastating loss as well, but he doesn’t talk about it and he said it is too hard to talk about my mom, he said he can’t get over her loss either. My brother and dad live close to each other so they see each other alot and last night I felt so upset because they were together and they still have the father/son thing and I don’t have my mom/daughter thing. I feel very separated from them, I wish for my mom back so bad. I dreamed the other night she came back for a day and I got to hug her and I can’t get out of my mind her soft cheek against mine and we were hugging and crying! I miss her so much and I am still hoping to wake up from this terrible nightmare! I still can’t accept it yet, because if I accept it I am scared.
Hi John,
Thank so much for having the courage to post this..I hope it helps many of us.
It’s so wonderful to see that someone can put into words how it feels to lose a mom. I was only 36 when she died of cancer 5 years ago and my one and only child was 4 days old. It was devastating to lose mom and become a mom all at once. She was my best friend and it was rare we went a day without at least speaking on the phone. I never thought that she would not be here for my daughter to know. Mom had fought cancer fairly well for over 5 years before losing her battle and she was so looking forward to her first grand daughter.
I still cry over all the things my daughter and don’t get to share with her and the fact that my daughter will never know her.
Thanks again John.
Kelly
Thanks Kelly, you’re most welcome. 🙂 I’m not a father myself but when / if I become one I know I’ll always be sad that my children never knew my mother. Ironically my mother had to live with my brother and I never knowing her mother either (I was 1 when she died).
I lost my mom nearly 10 months ago. I thought day by day it would get easier as everyone has said. I have 2 children that miss their grandma very much. I try to m be strong and do believe that I will see her again and that everyone has their time. My mom had cancer 10 years ago and told me that she asked God for 10 years longer. Her cancer came back 2 days from the date that she had cancer 10 years prior. My mom was 57 years old, she had been by my side as i delivered 2 children and I had planned on her being around until I was a grandma myself. God has a plan, we need to accept it, no matter how hard it is. I miss her everyday and it’s not easy, but for my kids and myself I go on…
Thank you for all of the postings that I found today, it is very comforting even though I feel like I should be over this by now.
Stacy,
I too lost my mom to cancer. I have 3 children that she loved dearly. Just 2 nights ago I sat with my 16 year old and held her while she cryed for over a half hour. My mom passed away on July 25th of this year. We were as close as any mother and daughter can be. The one thing I have learned is grief has no specific time. Its ok that you are still dealing with this. Don’t beat yourself up. I believe I will deal with this for the rest of my life and I accept that. I do believe time does help make the pain not so severe. The important thing is to let yourself feel what you feel and to be at peace with your feelings. Its ok.
Like most of people I found this site searching to help my grief.
My mother died on August 12 of this year, she was 63 years old.
She moved back to Poland year ago & this was a great mistake specially since her health wasn’t great & she start building the house there that she never finished & the one me & my brother found her in was a wood casket with golden handles .She always will be here in my heart ,she was my best friend even that we had our differences there was always this absolute power of love.Now when she is physically gone I still feel her presence,dreams,thoughts,filling that I will see her again ,that there is something she is telling me since her death.
I know she is watching over us & always will since this is the woman she always been trying to save us from any potential problems that she saw before we did. She send us birthday wishes a month ahead since my daughter is July 28, I’m August 4 & my son August 10 we received them by June 28th with follow up letter.
I have all that for the rest of my life to read & question if it was necessary to take my mother away from this world so soon. It is very hard. I don’t know how long it will last despite that I understand & hear her talking to me to stay strong .I like to send you all my condolences & wish we all find some peace & find a light that can help us in understanding this situation to find the best we have in us that we received from our mothers.
Dear John,
Thank you for your wonderful article on your Mum.I lost my dear Mother Joan only about a month ago. We all miss her a lot. My father, my wife and I really miss having Mum in our life. But, we know that she is happy and watching over us.I have created a Memoriam blog to Mum, who loved the World Wide Web and was always encouraging me in my quest for knowledge.
All the best
Warren
Thank you for sharing your pain…I to lost my mother to lung cancer 7 years ago…she was my superwomen… A hero that I thought nothing or no one can destroy…she had force & powers that can challenge anything that came her way…..Although it’s been 7yrs not a day goes by that I don’t cry for her…or I don’t speak to her….I gained an angel….Thank you for creating such a beautiful page in memories of your Mom… Thank you for inspiring me to do the same…I have kept a blog that I have been working on for 2 yrs in my folder…I ran into yours by accident..what a beautiful picture of your Mom….
Stay strong and pass that love….
My mom passed two days ago, and like everyone else, I can’t imagine what I am going to do without her. I am 22 years old and I can’t help but think of all the things my mom and I used to talk about doing in the future. I received a call at 4:00 that she was very ill in the hospital. the minute I got the call I got in the car and drove to the hospital which was three hours away. She passed at 6:30, and I will never forget the feeling of being too late, especially because she was a woman who was ALWAYS on time, and always telling me to be on time. When I saw her in the hospital bed, her skin completely white, I felt as though I lost all feeling in my body. I’ve never felt so alone. As the hours pass by, I feel these waves. One moment I feel as though I am beginning to find ways to accept what has happened, and other moments, I feel as though all I want to do is change what has happened. I did not want to spend much time in the hospital room with her because I knew that the person in the room was not my mom. As I have been dealing with this sadness I have been finding where my mother is. She is in my grandmother, my father, my brother. she is in the trees and the sky and she is everywhere. just wanted to say goodbye mom, and that I will miss you so much.
It has now been officially 10 months since my mom has passed.
It does get easier but I do still have “My moments”
My Mom was my best friend through my Adult years ( I am 36)
My daughter get’s her Drivers Permit on Saturday and I can’t help but wish my Mom were here to congratulate her. She loved my kids more than anything. I am so proud of her though.. Through this whole illiness ( 6 weeks) she told us that she was ready to go if that is what God wanted. Even though I know that she had to be scared, she was so brave for all of us. I only hope to be as brave as her on my death bed. You know, she always said that she wanted to die in her sleep, God granted her that wish. Bless Him.
My mom went into the hospital on October 10 and passed at her home on November 9. I remember calling her the on Tuesday of the week that she passed and she was to sick to talk but she called me back the next morning before I went to work to say that she was sorry that she did love me and wanted to talk to me . The next time the phone rang that early I was so excited that she was calling me again before I went to work. Unfortunatly it was my Step Dad telling me that she was gone. Now thinking about it again, I wish I would have handled things differntly. All I could do was scream. My kids (14 and 7) were home and heard me. I had to console my son (the 7 year old) by telling him that they were having a big party in Heaven right now (without balloons, my Mom hated balloons)* in fact I put 50 of them out on her 40’th B-day. All of us who have kids have to be strong, even when it is the hardest thing we have ever done, and believe me I have “lost it” ( I am human) AND, the last thing that I have to say is that we all have had times that our parents have irritated us. Right? But, you dont realize what you have till it’s gone… God Bless you Mommy!
Every women needs thier Mother.
Stacy,
Thank you so much for your comment. I am 35 and my children are now 14 and 8, but my daughter was 7 when my mom passed. It was 6 months on the 16th of this month. I am still in shock. I can relate about the screaming when hearing the news and then trying to comfort the children. We were in the car on our way to Disney World when I found out my mom had passed away unexpectedly. She had a massive heart attack out of the blue, I had just spoken to her 45 minutes prior and she was as healthy as could be, no signs or warnings. Anyways, I felt so bad for my kids to see their mom lose complete control and plus have the shock and devastation to hear in that manner their Grammy had just died. I still cry and shudder when I think about it. Thank you for sharing though, I was drawn to the similarities of our ages and our childrens!
John,
Its 3 years 10 months since I lost my mother to breast cancer and I know exactly what you mean, when you say the pain never goes away. You just learn to live with it. In fact, I had been missing her so much today, so I decided to share what I felt with somebody who understood and I came upon this blog. I spoke to my mom the day before she passed away and she said she was fine. Her death came as a shock to me. I miss having her around, having someone to speak to, having someone saying “its ok” when things went wrong.
I get dreams too of her and you have decribed each of the dreams perfectly. It means everybody goes through it and its normal. Losing mom was like losing my best friend and though I have a great husband and 2 lovely kids, I am still very lonely. I went through the phase of wondering what went wrong where and why. But I finally accepted it as destiny. There’s not one day that passes by without thinking of her, especially when I am lonely. I feel a vacuum and I wish I had told her how much I loved her. I wish I could meet her just once more but things like that dont happen. Death is the grand finale.
My mom had done so much for my kids. I keep showing them her pictures and tell them stories of her but I wonder how long I can help them cherish these memories. Which means, finally it will be just me with my memories.
Hi Smitha,
Thanks for your thoughts – it sounds like you feel exactly the same way I do and as such it’s a perfectly normal way to think. One thing I would say (and that’s been said to me many times) is that your mother lives on through you in the personality traits she’s passed onto you. A great deal of my humour, outlook on life and personality came from her so at least I know that her legacy lives on through me. I’m sure the same will be true for you and your mother whether you realise it or not.
John,
Thank you. I found your site as I was reminising on the memory of my mother. I am coming up on 5 years this month from having lost my mother to a sudden and rapid cancer. I was only 21 when she died. My ‘sky fell’ fast…she went into the hospital one Friday and was gone the next. When I talk to my friends I explain that the hurt never goes away, time just makes ‘the hurt’ easier to deal with. Sometimes I think the grieving process just keeps reapeating itself, and I wonder if it will do this for the rest of my life. I am sad, as you, to know that if/when I have children they will not know their grandma like I did. I am blessed to have a wonderful supportive family, as we continue to help each other through the tough times. And it’s true that the tears will continue to flow years later, sometimes for no reason at all…..A mother’s love is truly irreplaceable.
It’s been 40 days since my mother left this world, she was diagnosed with metastatic brain cancer, though my mother’s brother is a oncologist, disease was diagnosed very late…(am 22 now) I don’t have words to express my pain… But when I think of her sufferings and physical pain, my pain seems nothing before it.
I can’t accept my mother’s passing away as destiny… I feel it’s an excuse people say to overcome their grief.
She was everything to me, as my mother, father, brother, friend, enemy…
Still I continue to live because she gave the courage to live by making me to see her sufferings, pain…
John, as you say we have to carry this pain with us till our breath stops…
I lost my beloved mother exactly a month ago. She was 66 but looked 15 years younger, always lived a healthy life, and she had continued to work after retirement until getting sick in June. She loved her profession (she was a dentist)and her patients loved her. She found beauty in everything, never complained, never had a bad day in her life, always taught us to be optimistic and overcome problems with a smile on the face. And now I am struggling to cope with her loss.
I am a doctor and I watched in despair how her condition deteriorated and the simpler, curable diagnoses failed to prove true. First I feared she would progress to acute liver failure and I was ready to donate her half of my liver… but then she seemed to get better on steroids and I remember taking her home like a precious gem – weak and very slim, but ALIVE. Three weeks later she was in the hospital again, even weaker and slimmer. Her only fear was that she might not be able to come to my wedding in September. I got to know that she had metastatic pancreatic cancer five days before my wedding day. We did not postpone it because we hoped that she could come, but I was like a zombie during those days, the only thing I remember from my wedding was trying not to collapse during the ceremony and keeping back my tears looking at Mom in a wheelchair. She was so proud, so happy to see her daughter getting married at the age of 39. She died when we were flying home from the honeymoon (she insisted that I should go).
I lost my dreams of giving her grandchildren. I lost those moments from my childhood that only she remembered. I lost the person who was always unproporcionally proud of me. I lost my mother whom I loved so much and thought that she would always be a part of my life. Why could not I be a wife and daughter at the same time, why did I have to start my marriage with this enormous pain??
i loved ur story!! i am 17 and lost my mother today 7yrs ago.. ill tell u life aint easy without her…im goin thru skool with a hard workin father workin overtime to pay for my brother n i.. i wanted to kno if u can give me any advise for my life ahead… i hate knowing prom n homecomin i have no mom to help me get ready n i had to teach myself to braid my hair…its not fair but i kno god wanted a beautiful angel like ur mother….god bless u!
sincerly,
stephanie
I was having a beautiful day September 25,2005 and called my mom several times and could not reach her, by early evening i started to panic and drove the 18 miles to her house (we were neighbors)got the spare key and went inside to find my world changed forever. To me there are not any words to describe how i feel. I also have had those wonderful dreams of pure love and happiness and the dark feeling of having to wake up. My mom was my best friend and she loved me and accepted me for who i was. It does not get any better for me, and i will never get use to it. My world is dark and damp, and the sun will never shine for me ever again. I am alone.
My mother was killed in a hit and run accident – supposedly by two cars. They were never found. She died on October 9, 2005. I have yet to fully come to terms with it. And the pain, at times, is worse now that I have two children. She was supposed to retire and be take care of the kids. Everyday is a reminder of how she is gone. I feel sorrow knowing my kids will never experience her love. My father died in July 2008 and my grand-mother died in August 2008. I dread the holidays for these reasons, but know I need to push through it for my own kids.
Sometimes I think I am not well… I miss my mother so much.
My mom was my best friend. My heart is just so empty without her in my life. I not only lost my mother this past year but also my cousin who was like a brother to me & my aunt who raised me & was my 2nd mother. I am trying so hard everyday just to go on.
I just lost my mom a week and a half ago. I have dealt with it quite well until today. Today is the day before Thanksgiving and she was supposed to come over and help me cook my first turkey for my first Thanksgiving gathering at my house. My husband and I had our first child 3 months ago. It was her first grandson (she has 5 granddaughters) so it was a big thing. Now she will never get to see him grow up. My mom and I didn’t have the best relationship as she was attached at the hip to one of my other sisters but I always had hope that we would someday be just as close. That will never happen and I get some anger from that. Now my father lives with my husband and I and that is fine. I wake each day hoping to keep his days going and get his medical treatments that he needs. It has been a trying time in this first week and a half. I am a 17 months into my marriage (we didn’t live together but two months before we got married), new baby and now my father. I have struggled just thinking about how I will do all this and still work the 40+ hours I work a week. I thank you for this site. There are many wonderful memories for people. I’m sorry to damper it with this post.
I lost my mother to breast cancer on August 10, 2008. Two weeks later my uncle (my mom’s older brother) dies from stomach cancer. This is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through in my life. When it first happened, I was more relieved than sad because my mother was no longer in pain and suffering. Her last few weeks were devastating. After a blood transfusion that was supposed to help did nothing to improve her health she started a rapid decline further worsened by a series of strokes caused by the cancer that had spread through her body. She was paralyzed and slowly losing function. Each day we watched and listened as she lost her speech, mobility, eyesight and finally her hearing. She was in a lot of pain. I prayed every night that god would deliver her from her body that was now a prison of pain and torture. It’s going on 4 months and I seem to cry more now that before. I don’t know if it’s because I’m actually realizing that the woman that had been so instrumental in every aspect of my life is no longer here. Everyday I try to have a smile on my face and have an optimistic outlook on life, but that smile turns into a frown and tears swell up in my eyes. Anger mixed with sadness wrapped in pain. My heart aches every-time I walk by her picture or when something sparks a memory of her. Everyone says that it will get better with time, but life is too short and if there is anything that I feel I don’t have enough of is time.
I am so raw with pain. My mother died on Dec 4. She was a vibrant 82 year-old who had been having problems but I certainly didn’t expect her to die suddenly of a heart attack. We lived in houses next door to each other for the last 10 years and we lived for each other.
I have my faith and saw the wonderful hand of God on her life and I am finding that every time my pain seems unbearable God or mum send an angel to comfort me. Just before I wrote this last sentence when I was finding the pain unbearable, a dear, kind, loving friend rang and we talked about my mother and her mother who has also died. It has given me comfort and I feel better.
To all the other dear people grieving for their beautiful mothers and lost loved ones, they are always with us and they will help you through.
Well I too lost my mother this year…Feb 19th…I had spoke with her a week prior an she was weak…thought she had a cold. Was so busy after that planning a trip to see her my daughter (her grandaughter) that i didnt call. The day before my trip i called early in the morning just to give her the good news that i was flying out in the morining …Only to hear my dad tell me she was gone…I will play that memory over in my head forever…Feb 25 the day i buried my mother is the day i felt my heart just break….All i could think of was the Christmas we just had. Mom cooked like she loved to do…And I slept in my old bed like I was little again…She was so happy….You see im adopted . She was the one that chose me when noone else did…She had raised me since a baby….I dont no noone else…Through reading through some of the comments i see that i am not alone and there is hope…Some days i dont think i will make it …sometimes i feel like im falling apart…but somehow someway i make it ….One day at a time …
Hello John,
What an amazing website. I so much enjoyed reading about your mother John, and the follow up replies and comments from others who are grieving and feel the loss of someone dear to them.
I lost my mother 2-1/2 years ago and not a day goes by without thinking of her. I am in the process of making up a digital album (or may turn it into a slide show) of all her photos, memories, and poems I find on the internet.
This website has motivated me to keep going on this project and keep her memory alive. Thank you so much to all.
It seems to be a common thing, to remember one thing more than other memories. I still see before me, those last few days at the hospital when she was slipping in and out of conscienceness and each day we thought it would be her last. I remember wrapping my arms around her face and the floodgates of tears just flowed like a waterfall. She said to me “Are you crying, don’t cry”. Of course that made me cry even harder. I will never ever forget those few moments.
Thanks for all your comments, there is strength in numbers.
I lost my Mom on Feb 23rd. I am hurting so bad. Life is so sad, days are so gloomy without mommy. She is my best friend all the time. I miss her so much. I’m only 28, and my mom was 51 when she passed away. All of a sudden, she got brain haemorrhage, She fought for 4 days on a ventilator and on Feb 23rd, she left us in sorrow. It was minutes before I talked to her before she had brain haemorrhage. She was so happy and healthy when she talked to me last.It is really hard to believe that mom is no more. I’m going crazy. I feel so lonely, spent many sleepless nights in tears. I’m working. Work has helped me to deal with pain someway. But sometmes I can’t stop crying and spend hours in parking lot, crying out loud to relieve my hearts burden. I’m still writing emails to my mom, expressinig my pain and sorrow, how much I miss her.. I surf internet, trying to find some way to deal with my pain, I read the posts like these and console myself thinking that I’m not alone. I started hating God. Yes, thats true. Its like I lost somewhere in a big mall, and couldn’t find my mother…I believe that I will see my Mom one day. I don’t know how to express my sorrow, I don’t have my beautiful, loving caring mommy anymore. I want to talk to my mom, hug my mom. I love you so much mom, I miss you so much mom,,,,
My mama passed away at home on Jan 4, 2009. She was not only my mother but my best friend. We have always been very close, but since she came to live with me almost 2 years ago our mother daughter friendship grew bigger than I would ever have guessed it being. She has been ill all my life as long as I can remember. With reading your storey it helps me know that I am not alone and that my thoughts of this not ever going to get easier are real. People say that as time goes by it will get better. But the people who tell this to me have never lost their mother. It does get a little easier for the loss of another family member, but not much. With your mother it’s different she is the woman who brought you into this world the one who took care of you. It is very hard for me to accept that she is gone, every day I wake up to thinking it has all been a bad dream, and then I go to check on her as I always did every morning and reality hits home again “She’s not in her bed”. I will forever hurt, forever feel this incredible hole in my heart that has been torn out, forever miss the most important, beautiful, woman I have ever known in this life. My best friend. All though she did get to spend a wonderful year with her grandson, it’s very hard to know that my mama won’t be here to help me with those questions I will have with my son. But at least he did get to know who she was. And she had taught me to be a wonderful mother, I will forever remember the advise she gave me about mother hood.
My mom passed away on in April of 2008. Not a day that goes by that I dont think of her. She was not only my mother but my best friend. I remember being a little girl & always worrying about her & my dad because they had me late in life. If I heard a siren of an ambulance I would race home to make sure they were okay. I am so lost without her. I lost not only my Mother but my aunt who was like a mother to me & raised me & my cousin who was like a brother to me. I loved the three of them so much & they all passed away within 10 months. They lived in the same building together in NY. I try to be strong around my other family members & in front of my husband & children but when Im alone I just break down. I will never get over losing my two moms & my cousin. My dad passed away 19 years ago & i still think of him every single day. My family was truly the best & im so grateful that I had the years I had with them but I wish I could have had alittle more time with them. I miss them so much & my heart will be broken forever.
Thanks John for a beautiful letter. I just lost my Mom on Feb 5 2009 (due to doctor errors). I do not know how I am going to get through this. I had no idea what this grief and pain feels like. Part of me died to. I love and miss her terribly.
Linda
I lost my mother three weeks ago due to a sudden heart attack. She was 72 and so full of life. This was totally unexpected. This grieving has been so hard for me and every night I just break down. I lost my dad and sister in the past 12 years and now I am the only one left of our immediate family besides my own three children. It seems like many others do not understand what I am going through and they expect me to just move on. This becomes so frustrating and makes it even more hard to deal with. I almost feel like moving and starting a whole new life. I lived with my mother my whole entire life, she was my best friend and the only person who I could truly trusted from my heart. Anytime I needed someone to talk to…there she was with open arms. The memories of her in my home are heartbreaking and sometimes I feel as though I will never be able to get through it. Losing a mother is so painful. It will take me a long time to get through this. I have so many beautiful memories of her and she taught me so much good that has made me become what I am. I will pass that onto my children.
What a beautiful piece of writing. I lost my mother on Feb 28th 2009. It is something, I just cannot even believe is a reality for me. She was my everything, I always looked to her, her smile made me feel I was at home in any situation. Thank You for sharing.
We will all find a way to live, love and even laugh. The best tribute to our mother’s is a life well lived.
Bless You,
Holly
Hi John, I came here a while ago after my mom’s passing and your story and others comments really helped me. I would just like to add a link if that is okay, for those of you who are still struggling with your grief daily. I use this online support group often and have found it a tremendous help. I am actually part of a group called Motherless Daughters, but I am sure there is a bereavement group for men too.
The link is: http://dailystrength.org/
Thinking of you all xxx
Sorry, the Motherless Daughters link is:
http://dailystrength.org/groups/motherlessdaughters
I can completely understand Tracey. My mom passed away too, just 5 months back and its really hard for me to brace the situation. I am 25. She was suffering from various forms of cancer for past 3 years, yet she got well all the time.. except for the last time 5 months back. To make matters worse, that was around my Birthday and the last thing she said to me was Happy Birthday. Her voice was hoarse as she was suffering from lung cancer then. I was thousands of mile away from her in another continent altogether pursuing my doctorate degree. I rushed home to see her, when I came to know she was critical.. but by then she was gone..I just got to see her body in the intensive care unit. Being the only child , I had to take care of my father who had completely broken down at that time.. his mother i.e. my Grand ma just passed away 2 months before my mother. The grief is immense.
I am back to my University.. but its really hard to settle down. I think it takes time to get over the grief and get on with life.. But we can do it.. because… thats what our mothers have taught us… right? To be strong and face every challenging situation bravely.
Wish you all the best for your future.. & remember things in life can only get better after this! Just hang in there!!! 🙂
Please don’t hate me for writing this BEFORE my mother’s death but I can’t seem to shake the fear of losing her. I’ve been her caretaker for years and she is so frail!
I relate to fears of going crazy or losing it when she is gone. I can’t imagine life without her. At the same time, I try to focus on her now and appreciate what is still there (she has memory problems, so she isn’t fully the person she used to be, or it is in hiding). Can anyone relate to this pre-grief?
I just lost my mum the other day. Monday to be exact, im fifteen and everything that you went through with all are you joking when you first found out i did that as well
RIP mum
As I sit here on this mothers day, I discovered this blog. I lost my Mom on October 27th 2004. I want to comment on how common the emotions I am reading are to what I had experienced. I sunk into desparity with no hope of coming out of it. After a night of eating pain killers (my dead mothers stash) and drinking about a fifth of vodka, I put a gun to my head knowing it was my only chance to end the pain. For whatever reason; fear, drunkeness or her will, I passed out and never went through with the suicide. I woke up with a loaded .38 in my hand.
Now nearly 5 years past, I know I did the right thing. One thing we must all embrace is that the last thing our mothers would ever want is for us to live our lives in sadness and desperation. The loss is devestating for sure but natural by the laws of nature. For me, knowing how much she loved ( and i believe still loves) me keeps me going, and frankly, brings me joy everyday. As I read these comments I know everyone loved there mothers with all of their heart. We owe it to them to live our lives to the fullest and make them as proud as they would be if we behaved in that fashion when they where alive physically.
My mother was one to speak very frankly. In moments when I get down on myself over her or other things, I can still here her voice saying “don’t be an asshole!” I strive not to be an asshole everyday.
For those who lost there mom recently do know that TIME DOES HELP. It does not heal entirely but the pain “dulls”. Do not mistake the loss for the pain; the loss is always going to be there, the pain will not. To all in this position, hang in there and be strong, you owe it to her and yourself. Be the person she would want you to be and work towards the happiness that she would have given her life for you to have. Honor her with that.
She is watching, she loves you, and through our shared experience so do I.
Joe D./NYC