I'm very particular about washing my clothes and for good reason. I have a laundry basket where all my dirty clothes go. Each week it's about full so I take the whole lot, put it in the washing machine and put it on a 40 degree wash. Once that's done, I transfer it all to the tumble dryer (unless it's a sunny day when I'll put it on the washing line). At each stage I carefully check that no socks or pants have fallen out – this is vitally important. I can't stress that enough.
When my clothes are dry I take them in their entirety back into the house and fold them up then put them away. Because I've followed this system and been careful that no clothes fell out of the basket between the house and washing machine, the washing machine and the dryer, the dryer and my house, I know that when I come to match up my pairs of socks there will be none missing. But I never get complacent because I know that the Sock Monster is waiting patiently for me to make a mistake…
Sometimes my girlfriend decides to "do me a favour". Maybe she doesn't have a full load to put in the washing machine so she'll take some of my clothes and put them in too. This is a critical mistake and I make a point of lecturing her about it whenever it happens. You see the Sock Monster pounces on confusion – as soon as you split up your laundry its razor-sharp cotton teeth will sink into one of your socks and you'll be left with odd socks. Make this mistake too often and you'll have a drawer full of them.
The only key to beating the Sock Monster is routine and attention to detail. If you stick to the program he won't even get a look in. But take your foot off the pedal and bang! You'll have given him what he wants. You think I'm crazy? That there's no such thing as the Sock Monster? Well you give me an explanation why I have a drawer full on non-matching socks. See? There isn't one!
Just because you can't see him doesn't mean he's not there… Lurking in the darkness… With the smell of socks on his breath… His eyes straining to see any strays… I just hope he doesn't pick up the scent of my keys. Actually, I can't seem to find my spare garage key… Noooooooo!