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I Am A Reverse Vampire

15 comments

It never ceases to surprise people that I can neither smell nor taste garlic. The thing that surprises me is how long it took me to figure it out.

You know when you’ve had some Italian food and the next day someone says “You were eating garlic last night weren’t you? Your breath should be classified as a deadly weapon”. Well a couple of years ago I started eating a particular brand of chicken salad wrap from a reputable supermarket and every day when I’d get home my girlfriend would accuse me of eating garlic and I’d strongly deny it saying she must be imagining it. Well one day she actually had the same thing for lunch as me and declared to my surprise that it contained rather a lot of garlic.

On that day I realised that I truly am a reverse vampire. Rather than making me cower in a corner, garlic has no effect on me at all and goes a long way to explaining why I never eat pasta when I dine out. You see I’m told that one of the main things that makes pasta taste great is the use of garlic. Since I can’t taste it I find most pasta dishes bland and flavourless. You may take for granted its potent taste but I can literally slice up a garlic, eat it, and not be able to tell the difference from eating, say, cardboard.

The worst thing is when I tell people of my affliction the first thing they say… No, the first thing they say is that I must be mistaken. When I persuade them I’m not then they tell me how delicious garlic is and what I’m missing out on. Sadly, nobody’s been able to explain the taste of it to me – flavour like emotions can’t really be described without resorting to other examples of the same thing.

Oh, to taste garlic. I could live 100 years and I never will. A man can dream. A man can dream…

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Creator of John's Background Switcher. Scotsman, footballer, photographer, dog owner, risk taker, heart breaker, nice guy. Some of those are lies.

15 Comments Join the Conversation

  1. Are you sure it isn’t because you viciously bite people on the neck and then inject blood into their still living veins, invigorating them and bringing them to the peak of fitness?

    Are you going to do a Christmas story?

    Reply

  2. I’m the same – it’s being a world class developer that causes the immunity

    You fancy a few bevvies tomorrow – there’s that german market on in Leeds, usually a laff.

    Reply

  3. Having read your article, I’d like to start by pointing out that you must be mistaken.

    Then I’d like to continue by reminding you that you are in fact a killing machine sent back through time to destroy the mother of your enemy.

    K. Reece

    Quote: “The early ones had rubber skin… we spotted them easy”

    Reply

  4. Drown your sorrows in ice-cream my friend. Perhaps I could suggest raspberry ripple, appealing as it might to your condition…

    Reply

  5. there are at least four garlic flavours:
    1. raw – not many people appreciate this flavour
    2. fried – takes on a quite different taste when cooked
    3. roasted – again, cooking gives a different flavour, but much sweeter than fried
    4. second hand – the garlic taste on your breath a few hours later, or for some, the garlic smell that can ooze from your pores the morning after a particularly loaded pizza.
    Garlic and onion are closely related, and their flavours change in a similar way … does onion also pass you by?

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  6. *sniff* That’s SO sad 😦 Garlic is possibly the best friend to a cook (with the right food, of course)!

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  7. I googled for “reverse vampire” because when I got my wisdom teeth out blood rolled out of my mouth for days. Cool. I should like fight with you on urbandictionary or something.

    Reply

  8. hi 🙂 us non garlic tasting types should get together and form a club.

    world class software couldn’t be the cause because i am not a world class programmer, on the other hand, i have a patent on a device to turn us all into cyborgs 🙂

    yes i realise this comment is several years late, but i only just found the post 🙂

    i have a particular aversion to bitter flavours if that helps, i cannot dring more than a few sips od artificial sweetener before having to drink something else to get rid of the foulness…. for this reason i can taste burnt garlic which is rather bitter

    Reply

  9. Sir,
    The phenomenon of “reverse vampirism” is one which I am very familiar with and have studied to some extent. Reverse vampirism began in Tansylvania, and has since spread to sunny areas throughout the world. Reverse vampires are also shapeshifters. They can take the form of a giant, humanoid moth or a school bus. Reverse vampires are particularly put off by molding, and enjoy consuming fabric while in their moth forms.
    -SB

    Reply

  10. Arg! I too have lost the ability to taste and smell garlic.

    I’ve been eating garlic laced Italian food since I was a little kid, but in the past few years I’ve nearly lost my ability to detect it. Sometimes I’ll get a hint of it at my first bite, but that’s it.

    I will find a solution.. I’ve thought about bringing it up at the doctor to see if there’s something I can do to bring it back 🙂

    Reply

  11. Cripes.. I didn’t realize this post was so old. Maybe you’ve discovered a solution since your wrote it 🙂

    Reply

    • Unfortunately not – I’ve never been able to smell or taste garlic so I can only assume it’s some sort of birth defect. I can only imagine what the stuff tastes like and have to accept that I’ll never really know!

      Reply

  12. I have the same trouble I can’t taste or smell garlic, and can only just tase onion. Other than that I have a great taste pallet.

    Reply

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