I won’t share him. No. John’s mine and I won’t let anybody else have him.

He moved in over three years ago and I was in heaven. It was great. I got to watch him as he slept on the floor, then bought furniture and moved all his stuff in. When he got satellite TV I shared his joy as he had several hundred channels of rubbish to watch on the box. Meaning he’d spend more time with me. And it was great.

But then he started seeing this woman. She’d come around from time to time and it made me feel ill. He’d spend evenings out with her and I wouldn’t see him until later. Then she started to sleep here! I was paralysed with anger. So I made his bed lumpy to discourage her from staying all the time. It worked. But instead he went out and stayed with her. I was livid. But I could just about cope. I still spent a lot of quality time with him.

But there’s a new threat to our harmony. It’s a guy. He looks similar to John, but younger. He’s got the same Scottish accent as John. But I don’t like him. This imposter has moved in while John has moved out to his damn girlfriend’s house. So I hardly see any of John. Just this bloke. But I know his weakness. I’ve been listening to them talking and I know he has allergy problems. So I went to work.

I showered my floor and the furniture with dust. I know he’s allergic to dust so I thought I’d use this to drive him out. It was working. He was having trouble breathing and he was suffering. But then he and John cleaned the whole place and sucked up all the dust. They even opened all the windows to let some fresh air in! I was distraught. But I wasn’t finished. I realised that my sofa could give him the same problems. And so it did. He was breathing badly again. And my plan was looking good.

But they came up with a counter plan. They bought some sheets (a nice colour and pattern actually) and threw them over the sofa. I couldn’t believe it. He was starting to breathe properly again. They’d worked out what I was doing and foiled my scheme.

But I’m not finished. Not by a long shot. I’m going to drive this charlatan out. I’ve executed the next stage in my plan. He’s wheezing again and he hasn’t worked out why. He’s taking antihistamine until he can figure it out. I know John is trying to help him but I’ve excelled myself this time. They’ll never figure it out and he’ll have to leave. And then it’ll be just John and me again. Like old times. And we’ll be together. Forever.

John’s house.