My Recurring Tornado Dreams Finally End! With a Tornado!


I wrote way way back in 2005 that I had this recurring dream where in the dream I see a tornado (or sometimes multiple tornadoes) and then say or think “wow, after all these years of recurring tornado dreams I finally see a real one!” before I wake up and realise it was yet another dream. Or sometimes in the dream I’ll realise it’s a dream and that it’s all fake and once again I’ll wake up and it’s gone. This recurring dream has continued over the past 18 years.

The dream is never in the same place or same situation. I’ve had one where it’s like the world is about to end and there are fires in addition to multiple tornadoes and I’m running for my life. I’ve had others where I’m walking along a beach and see a water spout or in the hills and spy one in the distance. But one thing I never dreamed about was driving from Skipton to Harrogate in North Yorkshire and spotting a tornado as I come up to a roundabout on a regular, not particularly hot, not particularly cold day in August.

So imagine my surprise when I’m driving from Skipton to Harrogate and see a dark cloud in the distance. As I always do, I look to see if either the entire cloud is rotating (it wasn’t) or there’s a jet streaking down that looks like a funnel (which there was). Wait. What?! Despite driving alone I said out loud: “that’s a tornado!” before some trees got in the way. As I managed to get clear I took the following photos where you can see that yes, indeed that is a tornado!

It hadn’t quite touched the ground and researching on social media for other people who saw it, it indeed didn’t hit land. But it was nevertheless quite unusual to see one where I did. As I continued driving I started to question myself. Was I dreaming and about to wake up? Everything felt real. It didn’t feel like one of those bizarre recurring dreams. And a couple of weeks later I’m starting to think it really did happen and my recurring dreams will finally end. Or if I have another one at least I’ll be able to say “oh yeah, seen one of those already, no big deal”!

If I never see another one I’ll be fine with that – they can be incredibly destructive. But just seeing one with my own eyes was something I’ve literally dreamed about for years and sometimes dreams come true!


Hiking To An Active Volcano in Iceland


My girlfriend and I just returned from a trip around Iceland and to say that it over-delivered would be a massive understatement. On researching the trip (which started with a couple of days road tripping around Reykjavik) I was expecting us to see a lot of waterfalls and hike up a few mountains. What I didn’t realise was that we were going to end up doing something I never thought I would by hiking to an active volcano and watching lava spilling out of it.

Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t go near a volcano without an expert guide – those things are unpredictable and incredibly dangerous. Sure the lava will liquify you in seconds, but the gasses a volcano emits are arguably more dangerous as a change of wind direction can have catastrophic results. When my girlfriend mentioned visiting the volcano once she saw it on the news I was at first not keen (to say the least). We were staying at an AirBnB and the host (who was Icelandic) described it as a “tourist volcano”, meaning you can just walk to it safely as a tourist. He said the volcanoes that erupt in the glacier regions are the dangerous ones but this one would be no problem. So the next morning off we went in our hire car to do the 10km walk in.

The walk in started along an easy angled gravel track used by the rescue vehicles going back and forth, mostly carrying water as the volcano had ignited half the hillside in the previous days. What’s interesting is the entire landscape was clearly created by previous volcanic eruptions and all the surroundings were solidified lava covered in moss. You could see the evidence of volcanic activity everywhere you looked. This was clearly a land formed by fire and it was no surprise our host was unfazed by an eruption – it’s been a fact of life in this part of Iceland for millenia.

Eventually we rounded a corner and caught our first glimpse of the actual volcano.

We kept a respectful distance from the solidified lava but to see miles of it covering the landscape having only started erupting a couple of weeks before gave us an idea of how powerful they. Particularly given this one is called “Litli-Hrútur” or “little Ram” so is only small in the volcano world. I started getting excited as I knew we had a long way more to walk and that would take us very close to the actual crater and as you can just see in the photo above, the lava was bubbling away.

Another hour or so of walking the crater finally came into view in all its glory. Everything smelled of a barbecue due to the entire area being on fire a couple of days before. There were helicopters circling overhead, giving lazy tourists a view of the crater from above. But seeing the lava bubbling just a few hundred metres in front of my eyes – having seen countless documentaries over the years showing the same – was just magical. As you can see in the video below:

We took the obligatory selfies, photos and videos, then just sat down to stare at it just off the solidified lava field. When I was a child I remember reading about volcanoes, what caused them, how dangerous they were and I always imagined what it would be like to actually see one, but never really thought I would. As I sat there watching I knew my 5 year old self would have been so jealous of me!

Of course this was the one trip I didn’t bring my drone along to (since I’d often carry it and just leave it in my bag). Fortunately there were plenty of other people flying them capturing even more incredible footage, like this over on Instagram.

Truly a once in a lifetime experience and I still can’t quite believe we saw it! In spite of the long hike in there was a steady stream of people all day and every one of them will have left with an astonishing memory to last a lifetime. As for the rest of my time on Iceland, it’s a beautiful country I’ll definitely return to for some more in depth exploring.


A Week On Madeira, Followed By Another


Back in the days of lockdown foreign travel was not an option. Walking around the local park was about as much travel as you could do in the UK. However between two periods of lockdown – October 2020 – one of the few countries I could travel to was Madeira, a Portuguese island located off the coast of Africa. Truth be told I was familiar with Madeira cake, but wasn’t even aware it was an island at all. However the chance to escape the UK was too tempting so we got our covid tests and off we went for a week.

It didn’t start smoothly as the plane took off, turned back and landed back in Heathrow due to a technical glitch on the plane. A night in a hotel and we were off the next day. However it turns out Madeira is paradise for an outdoorsy guy like myself. There are white sandy beaches, black volcanic sandy beaches, beautiful mountains, hiking trails for all levels, great food, incredibly friendly people and perfect weather for a Scotsman (i.e. not too hot, not too cold). Plus since everyone was tested on entry, it felt like a safe haven away from coronavirus and back to the world before. It was delightful.

We had such a great time that in September 2022 we went back for another week and loved it just as much as before, if not more so!

One of the great things for hikers is a large set of marked hiking trails that range from nice, easy walks through forests to full days of hard grind through the mountains on the side of cliffs, through tunnels and over knife edge ridges. You gain access to areas that would normally be accessible only to hardy mountaineers. And all without destroying the beauty of the area – this is clearly an island loved by the people who live on it.

When I visited New Zealand many years ago I always thought that if you got to design a place from scratch and right all the wrongs of every other country, New Zealand was it. I feel the same way about Madeira, it’s just a wonderful place and there’s nothing I’d change about it.

Interestingly Madeira’s most famous son is Cristiano Ronaldo. Whether you’re a football fan or not I’d highly recommend visiting his museum in Funchal. There you can see just what an incredible set of achievements he’s had. The trophies, the Ballon d’Ors, the hat trick balls, the photos, memorabilia and letters from fans. It’s very tastefully done and rightly shows off he’s one of the most talented footballers ever to lace up a pair of boots and is a legend. My girlfriend is not remotely interested in football but was left highly impressed by what one man managed to achieve in his career.

Anyway, that’s just a taste of what a wonderful place Madeira is. We’ll definitely be back! There are still plenty of hiking routes to do, food to sample and beaches to walk on. Although while I enjoyed surfing, I think I’ll stick to land based activities.


A Hike Up Bidean nam Bian, Glencoe

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I spent a lot of my late teens and early 20s hiking up the mountains of Scotland with friends and it’s something that’s stayed with me all these years since. I don’t get to go as often as I used to – I live in Yorkshire and the hills here don’t really compare, although the Lake District does have some proper mountains a couple of hours drive away – but I get out in the mountains when I can.

A couple of friends (including Scott, someone I’ve known all my life and is one of my original hiking companions) and I decided to camp in Glencoe (arguably one of the most scenic parts of Scotland) and tackle one of the mountains. I’ve been up all of the mountains around Glencoe (and in the case of the notorious Aonach Eagach ridge, I’ve climbed and traversed it many times) with the exception of Bidean nam Bian. So that was the plan. The guide book (I still have the same Munroes guide book from my youth) suggested a few routes and we chose one that should take just under 3 hours to get to the summit, then a little longer on the way back to make a circular route.

In my early 20s the time the guide book suggested was a target to beat. Turns out in my late 40s, in spite of staying in great shape, I was never getting anywhere near that time! My friend Scott has managed to stay about as fit as he was in his 20s so could have made the book’s time, although by his admission he’d have had to push it, but I wouldn’t have without requiring medical intervention at the top. So it was a case of going at our own paces and enjoying the scenery, which was no hardship!

We started out in unusually great weather conditions (I’ve not been climbing or hiking in Glencoe on many clear days over the years) and were treated to pretty much the perfect day in the mountains.

The walk up from the valley into the mountains is always a delight – you start off with flat ground and a loch before things get steeper and rockier. Our route took us up the side of a river with a path in some sections but others on some surprisingly steep rocky traverses (I’m assuming it’s not a popular route as we didn’t see a single person until we reached the summit).

But a real treat waited for us once we hit the ridge – a spectacular 360 degree view from the coast to Schiehallion (which as a really interesting history) far in the east to Ben Nevis and beyond north. Without a doubt the clearest view I’ve had on Glencoe having been many times over nearly 30 years.

Then it was more up as we followed the ridge with amazing views in every direction (except for the Scotsman in the foreground).

And onto the summit of Bidean with an obligatory team selfie (with Cappuccino for all, I’d brought a Jetboil with me – not pictured).

The way back down was via another top and down the far side. Again not a popular route as there was no path for the upper third and some careful route finding was required – not that uncommon in the mountains of Scotland – you don’t often get signs and well marked paths which adds to the charm for me.

A long grind later (fortunately Scott being super fit had decided to run ahead and go collect the car to save a walk along the road at the end – he’s a top lad) and we were back down looking up at where we’d been. The summit is between the two tops you can see and behind what looks like a summit in the middle.

A real highlight of the day was when Scott and I went back to meet my other friend who was a bit behind so we’d finish together. We heard the familiar sound of a helicopter in the distance, but as it got closer it turned out to be a military chinook only a few hundred feet off the ground (you often see fighter jets flying low in the valleys, frequently below you when you’re up a mountain, but I’d never seen one of these out and about before). As it flew past us I could see a couple of soldiers hanging out the back, one of whom waved back as I waved to them – they must have had quite a view! There but for a bit of bad luck go I! 🙂

I’d done a few preparation hikes before to get my legs ready for it so felt pretty good the next day, but it’s certainly hard work at any age yet incredibly rewarding. And I think it’s about time I replaced my old guide book after 30 years – the directions are far too vague and the estimates completely unrealistic. At least that’s my excuse! 😀


Staying Fit In Your 40s

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Up until aged 20 I was a pretty lazy guy. Then one day a switch flipped in my head and everything changed. I started running and literally managed to run for about 30 seconds before collapsing, exhausted. That made me keep trying until I was able to comfortably run a marathon distance with a friend of mine a couple of years later, just for fun (although it turned out it was not fun). I also discovered mountain biking and particularly the slog of pedalling up long, steep hills. In my early 20s I felt like I could run all day long. I’d spend my weekends hiking and climbing the mountains of Scotland until ultimately I passed (and then a year later failed thanks to the flu) Royal Marine Officer selection. After that dream was over I got on with my life but always wanted to stay fit and active.

I started playing football and as a result cut down on the distance running as the two didn’t seem to mix well. Eventually I tore my knee ligaments and saw a physio afterwards where I learned that if I wanted to keep playing I needed to incorporate strength work into my routine rather than just turning up and playing. I had to train to be able to play or my knee would start causing me problems (welcome to getting older). I adapted, bought a Smith Machine and started doing weights to improve my general strength and it worked well for some years.

By my mid 30s the niggling injuries started piling up and I’d take days to recover from a game. I figured my time playing football was drawing to a close until a physio suggested I try yoga to improve my flexibility. This was a revelation and I wished I’d started years before – my movement improved, my recovery times reduced dramatically and the injuries went away.

Fast forward a few years and I discovered P90X with Tony Horton (pictured below). My new life of fitness began.

Tony Horton is an American personal fitness trainer who is best known for his P90X workout programs (along with several others) that you could initially buy on DVD but as technology moved on became available to stream on the Beach Body on Demand service. It’s the sort of thing if I’d read about – some annoying American fitness trainer guy – I’d not have been remotely interested in. Yet as soon as I started doing the P90X program I was hooked. His charm and humour along with doing the workouts with 3 people who show different modifications for each exercise made it fun and highly addictive.

I thought I was well above average in terms of fitness when I started but I suddenly felt like I had a long way to go – it was a new level of fitness I’d need to get to and I loved the journey. The program spans 90 days (hence the 90) and you do blocks of weeks with different workouts each day ranging from cardio to upper body to legs with weights and so on (lots of pull-ups and pushups too). Oh and yoga! They’re the kind of workouts you can do at home with bands or a few dumbbells or in a fully kitted out gym (watched on your phone over bluetooth headphones) and the results were quite dramatic to my fitness levels. There is structure and recovery built in that meant I felt like I was getting fitter and stronger every week and I was able to do many more pullups than I ever thought possible (among other things). I loved P90X. But it turns out I loved P90X2 even more. And this is the training program I’ve spent most of my time doing over the past few years.

Whereas P90X was a great way to get fit using a variety of different workouts, P90X2 is athletics training. If you’ve watched any documentaries of professional football teams like All or Nothing: Tottenham Hotspur then it’s exactly what they do. Rather than focussing on muscle building or cardio, it’s all about introducing instability into workouts so that you use your core. The simplest example is doing any standing exercise with dumbbells. Try doing arm curls or shoulder presses on one leg. Suddenly as well as the muscles you’re working you have to work much harder with the rest of your body to balance. You’ll have to reduce the weight for starters, but in time you’ll work a lot more than one muscle group.

Another example is pushups. Easy enough, but try doing it where each foot and hand is on a separate med ball that can move around independently. Suddenly your entire body comes into play to balance as well as do the actual pushup. It took me a LOT of practise to be any good at them.

P90X2 is full of such exercises using balance balls and med balls. There are gymnastics pull-up moves and some workouts I could barely do initially. The program is well designed in that each major muscle group gets a sufficient amount of rest between workouts, the warmups and cooldowns (including good use of foam rolling) meant I didn’t feel stiff and beaten up afterwards and always felt like I could give it my all pretty much every time.

The key words are: functional fitness. Rather than working one muscle group alone it recognises that in the real world every movement requires a collaboration of a group of muscles. The training focusses on improving that collaboration. If you want to run and quickly change direction (like when you’re playing football) then a lot of muscles combine to make that move, so it’s the complete movement that matters rather than an isolated one. You involve pretty much all the muscles in your body combined with a strong core – and I noticed week after week my movement on the football field was improving. There was no such thing as simply “leg day” – sure you’d have workouts more specific to the legs, but it was never just about working the legs and leaving the rest of your body alone – everything is connected. It was a different way to think about exercise but one that clearly works for elite athletes as well as guys like me in their mid-40s.

I stuck with it and when I got to the end of the program, despite supposedly being past my peak, I was the fittest I’d been in my life (although I still couldn’t do levers first time around). It was amazing! I’ve never exercised to look good, always to perform whether it be hiking, biking or footballing. But I was quite surprised how good my body looked. When I’m a really old man I will look back with pride for sure. Here’s the obligatory before and after photos (being Scottish I don’t ever have much of a suntan so apologies about that).

My girlfriend and I did P90X2 in a public gym and the people watching must have thought we were crazy with some of the things we were doing. But very few of the gym rats we saw would have been able to do what we were doing by the end – it’s high level athletics exercise and to be able to do it in our 40s made us feel very proud. We’ve continued doing rounds of P90X2 and it pushes you no matter how fit you are. It’s all thanks to Tony Horton. He literally changed our lives.

While my own fitness benefits have been clear to see (I’m still in the shape of my life), my girlfriend decided to change her career from being a business analyst to a personal trainer. She knocked down her garage, built a gym, did her personal trainer training and qualifications. She then started training clients remotely during lockdown and in person afterwards and hasn’t looked back! Here we are posing after a workout in her gym with Tony hovering on the screen above.

You can read all about her here. She’s fitter than I am and highly recommended!

Tony has done several other workout series (P90X3 I’ve done, although it was more aimed at the masses so wasn’t as challenging as P90X2) and recently he’s started his own venture – Power Nation Fitness. He’s built a new program based on his decades of experience along with hosting some other trainers workouts in the app. I’m 4 weeks into his Power of 4 programme and really enjoying it.

He’s 63 himself now yet is still in far better shape than I’ve ever been. While you can dye your hair, administer botox, lots of makeup and fake tan, the one thing you can’t fake is a lean, fit, muscular, flexible physique like Tony has. There’s no secret pill you can take or magic formula to make it happen. You’ve got to put the work in the right way, eat properly, recover and work on it all the time. You have to change your life and never go back. And as long as I can get breath in my lungs that’s what I’ll continue to do with Tony Horton’s workouts as my guide. As he often says: just do your best and forget the rest!


12 Nights on a Virgin Voyages Cruise


Like many in the UK my impression of the demographic who “go on a cruise” is of people in their 70s or 80s who’re too old to travel themselves and instead go on what is basically a floating hotel to different places, then do organised excursions on land. When my girlfriend suggested we go on a Virgin Voyages cruise my initial thought was “but I’m way too young for a cruise, I know I’m getting older but I’m not that much older”. It turns out I was completely wrong and instead I had the best holiday ever! Some review style writing and a shed load of photos to follow.

What is Virgin Voyages?

Virgin Voyages are an adults only cruise company (part of Richard Branson’s Virgin Group) which (as of the time of writing) has two brand new, state of the art cruise ships that can house around 2700 passengers. They sail around the Caribbean and Mediterranean and we travelled on the latter. What sets it apart from the stereotypical “oldies” cruise ships my imagination made me think of is that their offering seems aimed at a much younger audience.

On board you can find several gyms (and I don’t mean just a few running machines, there is everything you’d need to stay in shape if you’re an elite level athlete, want to do yoga with an amazing view, hit a heavy punch bag or if you just want to do arm curls in front of a mirror). There’s even a running track! With countless classes from early morning yoga to HIIT sessions to one on one personal trainers to massages (all booked via the app on your phone while on board) there’s plenty to stay active. Plus you can get your haircut or even have a tattoo if you so desire (I skipped this one).

With over 20 restaurants (more about them later – spoiler: the food was amazing) you’re never stuck for something to eat and they have a full blown theatre where we saw various acts from acrobats to stand up comedy to a man who could solve the rubik’s cube blindfolded in seconds (I can solve the rubik’s cube in a few minutes so to see someone with such mastery was something to behold – very impressive).

There were pools and jacuzzis as you’d expect along with a large selection of bars. But the most striking thing to me was the staff who were absolutely delightful. They told us they were encouraged by Virgin to be themselves and it was nice to see so many of the crew being just that – there were countless nationalities, many people with tattoos, awesome haircuts and they made the trip even more fun as we got to know a lot of them.

And the demographic of the people on the cruise? I’d say they were mostly 20s-30s, fit, active and I definitely felt more towards the upper limit in terms of age (although there were people older than me). However age didn’t matter, everyone was treated the same and there was something for everyone to do.

The Cabin

Prior to departure Virgin Voyages offers a bidding process where you can bid for room upgrades to some of their “Rock Star” suites. Think business class vs economy class. I figured “what the hell”, bid on a few and ended up getting what’s called a “Brilliant Suite”. It was appropriately named.

The room was massive. It had a walk in wet room, the sort of bathroom I’d expect in a luxury hotel, a super king sized bed, balcony (all balconies have a hammock – where I spent plenty of time swinging watching the sea go by), L-shaped sofa to relax on, a record player (oh yes), a large drinks cabinet with free alcohol (almost none of it we drank but I can say the tequila was lovely) and a really handy vanity area for looking even more gorgeous (which I left to my girlfriend because it was never going to work on me).

One of the coolest features was the rooms lights and curtains were controlled from a tablet. It contained “moods” that once clicked would set the mood. One was “get it on” which closed the curtains, turned the lights to a nice shade of pink and played exactly the sort of tune you’d expect to hear if you were going to “get it on”! First time that button was pressed it was hilarious! 😀 I love the attention to detail.

Having such a luxurious and relaxing cabin meant we were more than happy to spend time chilling there. It was great after a day hiking up a hill on shore to come back and unwind, watching dolphins from the hammock. 12 nights there didn’t feel like long enough, it very quickly felt like home, something I never find even in top class hotels.

Now that said, having had a look at the standard rooms while on the ship I would also have been quite happy to spend time there too. With clever design features to maximise the space and the option of having “day mode” where the bed converts into sofas it wouldn’t have been much of a hardship. Although for me having a balcony would be essential, I loved relaxing watching the world go by from it.

The Valiant Lady (The Ship)

A cruise ship that can house 2700 guests comfortably is pretty big. Fortunately there were just under 1000 people on board when we travelled which meant we had free rein and never felt overcrowded anywhere we went. There were plenty of places to chill out and relax in the sun, or in the shade, or in the quiet, or where there were other people, in fact you could pretty much imagine any setting you wanted and go and find it on board. It was clear that a lot of thought had gone into the design of the ships various areas to provide different moods or atmospheres with a common design language throughout.

Staying in a rock star suite meant we had access to Richard’s Terrace, a section at the front of the ship where there was free champagne on offer in the late afternoon. It was cool, but we found our favourite spot was towards the back of the ship so didn’t spend a great amount of time there. Interestingly the average age of people on Richard’s Terrace was probably mid-60s! No conclusions drawn.

Having never been on a cruise ship before I had to keep reminding myself I was actually on a cruise ship. My brain thought I was in some luxury hotel / village and there was nothing to give away that I was floating on water. Well except when walking out on deck, obviously.

The staff were always on hand so were happy to go and get you food and drink lest you get off your lazy arse and get it yourself. Which brings me onto the next point…

The Food

Oh my. Where to begin. You know when you do your web based research about an eatery and of course all the photos of the food look amazing? Usually it’s because the photographer has used all kinds of tricks and things like hair spray to make the food look delicious and better than the reality. In this case, if anything the food was better than I expected, and I was expecting very very good food.

With over 20 restaurants to choose from, we were wondering if we’d be able to try everything in the 12 days of time on ship. Half a dozen of the restaurants need to be booked in advance – which you do on the app on your phone – but the rest are drop in. We started with “The Test Kitchen” as that looked the most interesting on paper with a selection of experimental style dishes and it did not disappoint. I’ve had tasting menus in Michelin star restaurants and while it wasn’t quite to that standard, it was pretty close. Thinking we’d already been to the best restaurant we went to “Extra Virgin” a couple of nights later (an Italian) and that was even better! Incredibly fresh seafood, delicious sauces and cooked to perfection. That high standard of cuisine was the common thread throughout our stay.

There was literally everything you could want whether you wanted to eat healthy salads, cakes, fried food, tasting menus, drink fancy coffees, etc. I can see why people put weight on when going on cruises if this is what it’s like – and the fact that all the food was included in the price made it even more of a bargain. I’ve been to a lot of restaurants over the years but few have rivalled the food I had on the ship. Here’s a selection of photos that show how it looked, but trust me, it tasted even better! (And no hairspray was used).

The Land Based Activities

Ok so a cruise is on water but eventually it docks and you can either stay on the boat or get off and go do something. While Virgin Voyages offered excursions you could book via the app, we prefer just wandering and hiking around so Google Maps combined with general web-based research gave us some great ideas for where we landed. Normally their mediterranean cruises start and end at Barcelona but we were on a one-off run from Portsmouth to Barcelona via La Coruña, Lisbon, Cádiz, Gibraltar, Málaga and Palma de Mallorca. In each place we found plenty to do and it was great spending a day wandering around, getting in the sights and then going back to the ship and relaxing. It was literally like staying in a luxury hotel that moved you from place to place while you slept. A lot easier than driving around and living out of a suitcase.

Can you tell I was coming around to liking cruises?

Anyway, as wonderful as the cruise ship was, it was nice to hit land and explore. And explore we did!

Overall Thoughts and Summary

Having previously never been the sort of person remotely interested in a cruise, I’ve 100% changed my mind. It’s a great way to see a bunch of different places without the stress of driving around, making connections, changing hotels and locations and things inevitably going wrong. When I drove around New Zealand that road trip was part of the fun, but if you want to both explore and unwind then a cruise like Virgin Voyages is an excellent way to go.

It’s basically two holidays in one. One is staying in a luxury all inclusive resort with amazing food and entertainment. The other is touring different cities on the coast. With none of the drawbacks! I’ll certainly cruise with them again, and it’s also made me want to check some of the other companies out to see what they’re like.

And when I am in my 70s to 80s, then I’ll know which ones cater to my age group. But for now, Virgin Voyages very much gets the John Conners Seal of Approval! Except the wifi, that was glacially slow. But I was on holiday so I didn’t care! 🙂


20 Years Ago Today

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I can hardly believe I’m writing this but 20 years ago today my mother died from cancer. I’ve been blogging so long I wrote about it when it happened and then 5 years later when I came to terms with her death and could put into words what it felt like and how it hit me. Not only did that article resonate with a lot of people, but I’ve come back and re-read it many many times over the years and it’s continued to give me comfort and perspective.

But 20 years. Twenty years.

When I was a kid my dad would often say “oh I haven’t seen him in 20 odd years!” and to me that seemed like an eternity. Now I’m at the ripe old age of 47 it doesn’t seem so long at all. In fact my mother died aged 61 – only 14 years away from where I am now. I still feel like my life has hardly begun and if I only had 14 years left I’d feel a little short changed to be honest. Looking back that’s the overriding sadness I have about my mother – I’d only just gotten to know her as a person rather than an authority figure and it wasn’t anywhere near enough.

I’m so young in this photo taken 9 months before she died. Just a kid really looking back as the middle aged man I am today. I had no idea the impact losing her would have on me over the coming years. Probably just as well.

My father never really got over the loss of my mother. Never dated again, certainly never re-married. She was the love of his life and he was a lost and broken man for many years, drinking too much, retreating into himself before he finally found a reason to carry on. And carry on he did alone. He’s still alive today but dementia has robbed him of a lot of his memories, although he’ll never forget his dear Jeannie. I spent a few hours with him a couple of weeks ago just talking about mum, showing him photos of the two of them when they were youngsters – it was lovely.

My parents when they were a couple of young pups!

It took me 5 years to learn to live without my mother and the article I wrote covers everything I felt at the time. But in the 15 years since while I have no longer found myself saying “oh mum would like that” before remembering she was gone. I haven’t felt the bouts of intense grief I used to feel, just now and then. Instead I have a sadness in me that is always there but I’m not aware of it most of the time. Sometimes she’ll pop up in a dream like she used to which is comforting. And sometimes I’ll play the one and only audio recording I have of her (where she was discussing with my father that she’d discovered she was allergic to a certain type of soap – I wish I had more) just to remember her laugh. Life does go on but the loss remains for the rest of your life. It becomes a piece of you, a scar that nobody can see.

It’s sad looking back over the past 20 years and realising how much my mother missed out on and how much my brother and I missed sharing our lives with her. I’ve certainly missed her counsel. But I’m always reminded that she felt the same about the loss of her mother who passed when I was less than a year old. She never got over it, would be sad sometimes and that was perfectly normal. It’s the circle of life. It sucks. But it’s the only one we’ve got. Some of us get to live into old age and some of us don’t. As I said 15 years ago, she wrote me a letter telling me to make the most of my life given how precious it is. I continue to do that to the best of my ability and I always will.


Starting At The Bottom And Learning To Cook


Back when I was a student I wanted to earn a bit of money so I could afford to do the fun things in life. Fun things like putting petrol in my car, drinking alcohol (not at the same time) and having a bit of spending money should I need a new pair of shoes. A friend of mine was a waiter at a local hotel and said there was a job going as a kitchen porter so I inquired and got it.

A kitchen porter is basically the lowest of the low in the kitchen hierarchy – the person who washes the dishes, pots and pans and is usually the butt of all the jokes. All of which was fine with me! I was earning money and that’s all that mattered. The status of the job didn’t enter my thought – work was work and money was cash money. It was hot work (those industrial dishwashers give off a lot of steam) but I enjoyed it and learned how to get every kind of cooking stain out of every kind of cooking implement you can imagine (something that has served me well since).

In time I became good friends with the rest of the kitchen staff and when at a later point I found myself working as a waiter there I found it surprising that while they were nice and respectful to me, they would always mercilessly tease, berate and swear at the rest of the waiting staff. Looking back I now realise I’d earned their respect. I’d worked hard, rolled up my sleeves, never complained, got the job done and earned my place alongside them. I’ve been trying to do that in the workplace ever since.

Your Job Isn’t You

I never judge people by the job they have. I know often the first question someone asks a person they just met is what they do – but it’s the last thing I ever ask anyone. I almost never talk work with friends and family as it’s not something that defines them or me as far as I’m concerned. It’s a means to an end. I also know that if my glamorous life as a software developer ends and I have to get a proper job, I’ll happily do anything to bring money in and never feel I’m “dropping down”. I’d be more than happy to roll up my sleeves again if I need to.

Being a Chef Is Hard

The other thing I learned was how tough being a chef actually is. You can watch someone like Gordon Ramsay do a TV show where he puts together an amazing meal and you think it’s easy. And for him at that point in his life it is. But believe me, to get to that point was a really hard slog. It’s a super tough profession and is so much more stressful than any job I’ve ever had by a long way.

It’s easy to focus on the obvious. An order comes in, you prepare all the ingredients, cook them and put them on a plate, then make that plate of food look beautiful and send it out. Easy right?

A selection of delicious treats from the tasting menu of L’Enclume in Cartmel

Not really. Everything has to be at the right temperature at the right time. So that bit is difficult enough as it requires perfect timing, organisation, consistent delivery and an eye for artistic detail. Except a chef isn’t just putting one meal together at one time, there could be a dozen orders of different dishes with different courses all going on at once from multiple tables. There’s no use having some of the dishes for some of the tables at the same time – each table needs to be served together. And the pressure these people are under to deliver is huge – it’s a very stressful environment to be in and my policy was to keep my head down, work as fast as I could and not screw anything up. If someone was angry, that’s fine, they’re under pressure. After the service was over and they could come down from the adrenaline high, then the next part started, the preparation.

Being a chef isn’t simply about putting meals together and sending them out. It’s about everything from picking a menu that results in the minimal amount of food wastage. To preparing before a service to make sure you’re not wasting time doing things that could be done beforehand. Trying to figure out what’s going to be ordered so you don’t over or under-prepare. And managing a team of people so that everything runs quickly, efficiently and smoothly during service under intense pressure. I certainly wouldn’t be any good at it, that much I figured out quickly.

Now when I eat out in a restaurant I know how difficult it is so I have a lot of sympathy if my food takes a while and am really impressed when delicious food is served quickly.

John Conners, Recipe Follower

Like many people I decided to start cooking once the pandemic lockdown started – I mean there wasn’t much else to do and dining out was no longer an option. Early on everybody I knew started signing up to different providers of food boxes – the idea being they ship you all the ingredients and recipes and you do the rest.

I’m the sort of person who can follow recipes. If you give me a recipe to follow I reckon I can make just about anything, no matter how complex. I’ve long been a fan of baking, largely because you have to precisely follow recipes to make it work. However give me a bunch of random ingredients and say “cook something John” and I’m completely lost. Without a recipe I don’t even know where to start. I have great admiration for people who can do that, but I am not one of them. With that in mind I signed up for Mindful Chef.

It gave me a little taste (haha, see what I did there?) of my old days working as a kitchen porter seeing the chefs work their magic. I was inspired to buy a set of stainless steel pans, proper professional quality knives, wooden chopping board, the lot! But a set of pro golf clubs does not a professional golfer make.

It took me quite a few meals before I started to feel confident in what I was doing. The recipes are well thought out, documented to just the right level for me and having the exact amount of ingredients to hand meant I didn’t have to think, just had to follow the instructions. I was soon comfortable having several pans and the oven on at the same time knowing that everything will be finished at roughly the same time (again, those well thought through recipes helped).

Almost all of the meals I’ve made from Mindful Chef have been delicious and it’s introduced me to a lot of things I’d previously ignored – like quinoa and tofu. Many years ago I tried cooking with tofu and it was a disaster. Thankfully I now know the correct tofu to use and several different ways to cook it. Heck I’ve even managed to buy the ingredients to some of the meals and varied them a bit (only a little bit) – which for me is giant progress!

But I’m no chef. If the meal is delicious it’s because the person who created the recipe and flavour combinations did a great job. I’m merely re-assembling their creation, standing on the shoulders of giants. Plus I can never quite get it looking as pretty as the professionally shot recipe photos! But I do my best.

Anyway, I’d highly recommend something like Mindful Chef or Hello Fresh if you’re afraid of cooking. There’s no such thing as “I can’t cook”. It’s just laziness because anybody can follow a recipe if I can! Rather embarrassingly though I only recently discovered that quinoa (pronounced kee-nwa) and quinoa (pronounced kwin-oh-ah) are in fact the same thing. 🤦‍♂️


Losing My Best Friend


After 10 wonderful years we had to put my beloved dog Billy to sleep and to say I’m devastated doesn’t come close to describing how I feel. I’ve been to more funerals of family and friends than I can count but the pain of loss I feel without him goes way beyond any grief I’ve ever felt before. It’s been over a month yet I shed tears every day.

Friends I’ve spoken to who’ve had and lost dogs understand and until I had Billy I never realised just how they worm their way into your heart and soul. Unlike humans, dogs are totally honest creatures – they hold nothing back in terms of who they are. They don’t try to be anything other than themselves and they love you with every fibre of their being. You do the same in return and it made me realise I could never love a human as much as I loved (and will always love) him. A friend told me:

“There’s something about their unconditional love for you that really tears you apart when they pass.”

Added to that he was the perfect companion. Well behaved, fun, endlessly happy to see me, playful, sociable, calm, lazy, a good traveller and without a doubt my happiest times were with him over the last decade. I got him just as I started working remotely and sat here typing out these words alone in my home office I realise his company kept me sane through countless meetings, late night coding sessions, pandemics, stressful software releases and everything else in between.

I trusted him completely and he trusted me completely. He knew what I was going to do before I did, we were completely in sync without having to say a word. He knew when I was stressed or down or if I needed a break and was sure to tell me! My entire life was built around him and I wouldn’t have had it any other way – the house I rent is far larger than I need but I’m here because the landlord allowed dogs (not common enough in the UK) and that was the only thing that mattered to me.

There are a thousand little routines we did together. For example when I’d go to bed at night I’d grab the fleecy throw that lived on my sofa and put it on my bed. Billy would then sleep the night there (right in the middle of course). So as soon as I got up and went to grab the throw, he knew exactly what was coming next, he knew it was time for bed. He’d either jump down (if he was on the sofa) or get up (if he was on his bed in my lounge) and start heading towards the bedroom. I’d put the throw on the bed then go and brush my teeth. Since he knew I’d do that he’d have stopped in the hall to stare at the bathroom, waiting for me to go in and then come out to bed. As he got older I’d lift him onto the bed rather than him jump up so he’d wait for me to do that. Then he’d sit and stare at me, waiting for me to get into my pyjamas and go under the covers so he could cuddle into me and instantly go to sleep, snoring away while hogging the bed. Heaven.

Now, every time I go to bed, I do so alone. I feel his presence, but I look around and he’s not there.

I still go on the same walks around where I live. I have memories of every tree he peed on, every place he’d run, that time he bumped into one of his mates and they chased each other around, him barking like a lunatic. And despite walking alone it brings me closer to him to relive those moments. I have videos of walking him and can wander along the same spots holding my phone in front of me and it’s like he’s there. It helps, but it’ll never be the same without him.

I know the best bet is to get another dog, and I’m sure I’ll have another one at some point since they are such magical creatures and I am most certainly a dog person. But while it’ll replace the lifestyle of having a dog and give me a new companion, it’ll never replace him. The person Billy was. Knowing I have to live the rest of my life without him is a tough prospect and while I have thousands of photos and videos of my time with him, I’d give anything just to have him resting his chin on my leg and snoozing away peacefully with me. Even just for a minute.

Or watch him running in the park, blissfully lost in the moment of running, something that dog was born to do and did right up until the end.

I like to think that somewhere on some other plane Billy is running around a park barking away. And then he’ll stop, look around and sprint straight towards me. We’ll walk off together, just him and me. Both of us totally content with our lot. I miss you boy. 💔


You Play Football Long Enough, You End Up Being The Old Guy In The Team


I’ve written in the past about my footballing (ok a long way in the past – my peak was probably around 15 years ago) and while I would never have made it as a professional or even a semi-professional, I was still able to play to a decent standard by being able to pass the ball. This sounds simple – have the ball at your feet at Point A and kick it to Point B.

But in fact there are a lot of moving parts. Everybody is moving, so you want the person you’re passing it to to be able to receive it knowing that when you kick it they’ll be in a different position by the time the ball gets there – so you pass it to where they’ll be. You also have opposing players who want to stop you passing. And the person you’re passing to also has people trying to stop them. And the opposition can read where your player is moving to so your player might fake where he’s going and you have to anticipate that. And the opposition know you want to pass it so anticipate that. Even though it takes a fraction of a second, when you play with and against clever players, you have to try and stay one step ahead. And that was about the only thing that I could successfully and reliably do and so play to a decent standard. Or maybe I was just lucky with my passing, often it was like my feet knew what to do and they just did it themselves.

Then a few years ago I was telling my brother about still playing football in my late 30s and he said “so are you the oldest guy in the team then?”. I was about to say “of course not” but then I thought about it and realised that indeed I was, and by quite a few years. How the hell did that happen?

Up until pre-coronavirus I was still playing indoor 6-a-side football once a week with one guy my age and a bunch of people in their 20s. While I could no longer do surging runs like I used to, I could still do alright, read the game and pass to the quicker and better players. Although it was damn hard physically to keep doing it. My left hip seemed to be the weak link after a niggling injury I’d had years before but I was keeping fit and flexible with Tony Horton’s P90X2 program (I really should write about that – and I wish it had been around 20 years ago) so I was able to keep going. But I knew my time was coming to a close. Nothing last for ever. Lockdown came and I figured that was my playing days done. I’d had a good run!

Then during one of the breaks between lockdown my girlfriend’s 16 year old son and his friends decided to start playing in a 6-a-side outdoor adult league. And started getting hammered each week by organised, competent footballers. He asked me if I could play and so I thought “what the hell”, laced up my boots and got back out on the pitch. And so it was that I ended up playing football in a team where I was 30 years older than my teammates.

To put it in context, for one of them to achieve the same feat their teammates won’t be born for another 14 years. I must say, I was proud that at the age of 46 I was able to play and not embarrass myself. Turns out I was by some years the oldest guy in the league and definitely not the least fit (top 10% I reckon). But it wasn’t about me at all.

I thought maybe I’d feel jealous that I no longer had the carefree raw energy and fitness of youth but instead I felt privileged to share a pitch with the next generation. Knowing the exciting futures they have ahead of them, that all the fun and adventures I had they still have to look forward to and more. Some of them will make very good footballers and play at a much higher level than I did if they want to. And game by game they’ve been learning to play as a team rather than running around like they do at school. It’s been great seeing first hand how they’ve improved. Even better is a couple of them are naturally gifted footballers so know which runs to make, know how to make a bit of space and think steps ahead of their much more experienced opponents. Which is easy for me as all I have to do is pass it to them and they can make it happen.

Football (sport in general) is a great leveller. If one of them tells me to mark someone or drop back I’ll do it. And vice versa. It’s a team game and there’s no room for some sort of adult / child interaction. We’re all equal out there and it’s really refreshing and energising. I’m sure for them too.

It won’t be long until they’re way beyond me and I won’t be in the same league as them. But to overlap the end of my playing days with the beginning of theirs is something I’ll cherish. While we may not be winning yet (one draw and one win so far), it’s really good fun. I’m hoping I’m around in 30 years time to see if any of them are still playing and take up my mantle of being the old guy in the team. I certainly hope so! 🙂